Communication between couples: from reactivity to dialogue

February arrives and, with it, we are flooded with images of idealized romance, candlelit dinners, and promises of “perfect harmony”. However, for many couples, the reality that they live inside is quite different from the rose-colored scenario that Valentine's Day painted socially.
How many times do we feel that, despite loving the person next to us, we speak different languages? How many times does a simple question turn into a confrontation, where the objective ceases to be “to understand” and to “win”?

Communication in a relationship is often similar to tuning in to an old radio station. When there is interference (tiredness, accumulated sorrows, everyday stress), all we hear is static noise. We stop listening to each other's music and start reacting only to the noise that bothers us.
Today, we propose to move from automatic reactivity to conscious dialogue, exploring how couples therapy can be the safe space to re-attune to the frequency of love and respect.

From Reactivity to Connection: Why did we explode?

As a society, we are poorly taught to communicate our vulnerabilities and we often grow up learning to defend ourselves. When a couple enters a spiral of conflict, they are often not discussing the topic in question, but rather answering a deeper and quieter question: “Am I safe with you? Do you value me?”.

According to The Gottman Institute, a world reference in relationship research, couples generally resort to this mode of defense when they feel criticized or despised, justifying this reactivity as a shield. The problem is that this shield, designed to protect us, turns out to be the wall that prevents us from feeling the intimacy we so desire [1].

Dialogue Tools: Active Listening and Nonviolence

Changing the dynamic requires the courage to lay down your weapons. This is where models such as Non-Violent Communication (NVC) and active listening become essential.
The CNV, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, invites us to replace the accusation (“You never listen to me!”) by the expression of need (“I feel alone when I'm talking and you look at my cell phone”).
Active listening, on the other hand, implies listening to understand, not to respond. It's the ability to suspend our judgment and validate the other's emotion, even if we don't agree with their opinion. Effective communication is a central pillar in mental and relational health, preventing emotional isolation within the relationship itself.

The Art of Reparation after Conflict

There's a dangerous myth that happy couples don't argue. The truth is that conflict is inevitable when two different individuals decide to share their lives. The secret is not in the absence of quarrels, but in the ability to repair.
To repair means to be able to go back after an argument, to take responsibility on our part. It is this return movement that strengthens the bond. Without repair, sorrows accumulate like dust under the carpet, making the environment unbreathable.

Couple therapy: taking the first step

Sometimes, in a life as a couple, the moment comes when we realize that the tools we have are no longer enough. The dialogue became a minefield and the feeling of being lost in the relationship sets in.
It is common to fear that couples therapy will be a court where the therapist will decide who is right, but at the Hippocampus Clinic, in Lisbon, we demystify this idea on a daily basis. The therapeutic space does not serve to judge, but to translate.

What can you expect from the sessions?

• A neutral and safe space where both can talk without aggressive interruptions.
• Identifying patterns: understanding vicious cycles and how to break them.
• Skills training: learning to communicate needs without hurting others.

The ignorance of the next step is vast, but you don't have to go through it alone or in silence with the one you love the most.

This Valentine's Day, the most valuable gift may not be something material, but rather the genuine desire to transform “me against you” into “us against the problem”.
If you feel that your communication needs a new route, couples therapy may be the first step that helps you find your way back to each other.
Our team of specialists in Couples Therapy in Lisbon is available to support you.

Bibliographic References

[1] The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Available at: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/



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